I want to share with you something that happenned to me today. I was in the sauna in the gym. It is situated in the male changing room. It has a glass door that looks into the showers area. The straight guys are easy to spot: normally they get in the sauna with swimwear. The gay guys tend to only have a towel. There was a young guy who I thought was cruising me. He was wearing blue speedos. I got in the sauna. I could see him through the glass door. He removed his speedos, walked to the shower naked exhibiting a fairly nice fleshy cock, got himself refreshed and came back to the sauna with a towel around his waist. I felt very nervous.
I have always been rubbish at cruising. If I go to a sex club it takes me about an hour before I calm down and I can engage in some sex. Years ago I used to suffer with ‘premature ejaculation’ and I know that if I get stressed my body and my mind totally divorce. My body looks for a ‘quick exit’ and shooting my load is the easiest way not to get into sex.
I guess unconsciously I go back to old scripts: ‘will I be good enough?’, ‘will I be able to have it hard?’, ‘will I manage to keep it going long enough?’…. So much drama for what should be a bit of playful time and joy.
Back into the sauna. As the boy came wrapped in his towel, another guy in shorts showed up. Now two gay guys sat in the sauna and a straight chap standing while drinking his water bottle. My heart was racing, but I tried to appear cool. Eventually the straight guy left. I was super hot in there but I felt this was my opportunity. I slightly loosened my towel, the gesture was not missed. Straight away the young lad reciprocated and fully opened his towel to show a pretty hard cock. Mine was in total hiding. I was trying to play cocky but I was super-stressed. The guy moved closer. I reached my hand and grab his hard erection, mine was nowhere to be seen. My head was thinking: ‘I must have an erection right now’, ‘I must be a stud for this young lad’, ‘I must make sure I can perform’…. My body was playing for a different team though. I was getting angry, as I felt my frustration I could feel I was about to come, I quickly closed my towel after the guy only touched me for ten seconds. He did not see my embarrassment but I came under the towel. I smiled and left, got in the shower and cleaned myself. I relaxed straight away. Went to the changing room, I was actually feeling relieved. Relieved because I did not have to perform, because the whole thing was over. The guy came into the changing room, his locker was next to mine. I made some conversation to bring some friendliness to the exchange. He left before me.
I spent the day wondering what happenned. I feel I understand premature ejaculation pretty well by now. In my case is all to do with my body ‘protecting’ itself from the ‘authority’ of the mind. It’s about my mind getting into projection and coming away from the ‘real moment’. There is a divorce of feelings and ‘wants’ (the feeling is that I am ‘a bit scared’ and I need to slow down) the ‘wants’ is that I want to perform a porn scene right there. It is all scripted to make me look good.
ENERGY AND TANTRA
The day before the sauna encounter, I was in a tantra workshop. Plenty of cock massage there. A lot of it. However I never felt stressed, I was fully present, I never got into a script. I was in flow. My cock and my mind were on the same team. I had a great time, I never came, however coming is not the issue, I was just in pure joy, acceptance and opened to what the moment was bringing.
I realise then what a sensitive system we are dealing with. I often say that sex is the perfect theatre for neurosis, where all our insecurities can easily be blown up. A place that should be about fun and joy, can be turned into performance, scores and targets.
Over the years I have done a lot of work to integrate all aspects of my sexual life, trying to stay away from shame, trying to stay away from performance. I lead groups of men on those qualities, however I can still get caught in my own traps.
Tantra has taught me about being present, non judgemental and open to the joys of the moment. Today in the sauna only a part of me from a porn script was present. My mind has set up already how the scene was going to develop. I was not even open to the joys of the moment. I was in pure lust, but disassociated from my body.
EVERYTHING IS AN EXPERIMENT
One of the principles of tantra is that everything is an experiment. That means that there is no a right or wrong outcome. Whatever the result of the experiment, it is just fine. Being in the sauna today with that lad was an experiment. The fact I came in 10 seconds, as painful for my ego as it was, was also fine.
Life does not always goes according to plan. Who plans it anyway?. Where do those plans come from?
With tantra I learnt to heal that boy who was bullied at school, petrified to be in a changing room where he could be an easy target. In school, the changing room was both the place for excitement where I could see all those boys naked, but also the place where I could reinforce how inadequate I felt. I was not into playing football. Puberty also arrived a bit later for me. I was ashamed of the size of my cock and ashamed not to be ‘masculine’ enough around all my classmates.
As it happenned as I grew older I got distanced from that script. Said that I know is still part of me and from time to time it shows again. I have learnt to simply smile at it. In that sauna my little boy appeared again, he just wanted to play, he wanted to grab that cock and have a good time. Exactly what he would have liked to do aged 13, when he felt so much shame and excitement at the same time. When he felt inadequate and so full of lust.
At the age of 47 yo, I have learnt that when that little boy shows up he needs a big hug. Everything is ok. I am looking after you. I love you.