I thought tantra would make me a stud in bed. I often used to arrive to sex with a whole script in my head, the script was a little bit of a caricature, a projection of who I wanted to be. In my case there was this ‘total top story’. The story I would often tell myself (secretly) before an encounter was: ‘I am going to get a great erection, I am going to fuck for hours and the guy is going to moan for my cock inside of him… at the end he is going to tell me that this was the best sex of his life….’.
Ego and suffering
I realise that this story was full of so much ‘ego’. So much of a constructed idea of who I wanted to be, and less of who I really was. In reality there was suffering. I secretly suffered with premature ejaculation. I thought tantra would give me techniques to overcome that. I have heard stories of guys into tantra who could fuck for hours. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted my suffering to be over.
One of my first experiences with tantra was 20 years ago. It was a nearly two hours massage with a couple of guys. One was just working on my cock. I never came. I also had the most amazing multi-orgasm. I felt I was taking off in the room. Got spasms in my joints. I had an altered state. My perception of the world and sex was about to change, but still took almost twenty years before it really materialised.
To deal with the premature ejaculation, I also used psychotherapy. I explored how much I felt ‘inadequate’, how much I felt I did not fit in the gay scene, how much uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. It took probably about three years to calm down.
Over those 20 years I also had always really supportive partners. Sex became a more relaxed affair. Explored monogamy, open relationships, polyamoury and regular lovers. Apart from spending time with beautiful partners I also ventured into sex clubs, orgies, kinks. I must say, the worry around premature ejaculation reduced massively, but still remained in the background, distanced but in the background.
I returned to tantra about 5 years ago. This time still with an idea that it was more of a toolkit for my sex life. At the same time I thought it would be a great way to meet other lovers to develop deeper connections.
In one of my early courses the words energy and chakras appeared. I felt uncomfortable with them. The reason: too ‘fluffy’ for me, too much of a hippie concept. I always struggled with anything New Age, with the awful music, with the crystals, the dream catchers… I only wanted techniques: breathwork, massage strokes and learning how to delay an ejaculation. I could feel myself switching off.
Said that, I could feel that my body was opening up to something different with tantra. I often would sense strange tingling sensations all over. My body seemed more sensitised. My skin will be very reactive to the lightest touch, in fact lighter touch would seem more. My body appeared to be filled full of vibration. I often had a need to scream. I seemed to be filled with a new amount of bubbling sensations, somehow pleasant and also confusing.
After a session I would feel strangely energised. The world would feel ‘crispier’. There would be a different quality in me. I would be in a better mood. I would feel more open, more relaxed. Often with a big smile. Certainly with a different energetic quality.
However, I still would struggle with some of the concepts, like chakras. Chakras are described in some Eastern philosophies as energetic centres. Tradition gives them different qualities, colours and vibrations. This energy centres are supposed to be situated along your spine. From the base, where your tailbone is all the way up to your brain. There appear to be seven of these centres.
The root chakra, for example, would be at the base of the spine, related to the colour red and will be linked to your sense of safety and security. The Sacral chakra will be located below the belly button and be linked to creativity and sexuality. It will be followed by the solar plexus chakra around the stomach area and related to confidence and self-esteem. Following up the spine would be the heart chakra, the throat chakra, the third eye and the crown chakra. Again all with the different qualities and colours.
The reason I struggled with the chakra structure was simply because we are talking of a system that often gets presented as a ‘fact’ when in reality is only a subjective representation. That will set up alarm bells in my Western scientific mind.
Said that I could see how popular culture and language are full of qualities that similarly relate to the chakras. ‘A broken heart’ could also be seen as a blockage in your heart chakra linked to love and compassion. A ‘knot in your stomach’ could easily be seen as a conflict in your centre for self-esteem and confidence, which relates to your solar plexus chakra. As men we could relate to ‘raw sexual energy’ been located in our cock and balls with feeling an urge for sex, in the sacral chakra.
I guess I could see how in reality what the chakras are pointing towards are concepts that we already accept in our Western culture. I see chakras as an exotic name for something we live with daily. Energetic blockages are nothing more than conflicted emotions. For me calling something a chakra gets in the way of accepting their reality. The language does not seduce me. I also accept that it will be seductive for somebody else.
An alingment in our chakras would be an equivalent to a more integrated self. I am referring to that estate in which everything appears in flow. I am referring to when we are at peace with how we are at a particular moment in time.
Surrender to the learning
Tantra requires to be open. Open to receive mainly. To receive you have to surrender. You are surrendering to let go of what you think you already know. Surrendering to your view of the world, the way you have traditionally seen it. I don’t find it easy. I am too fixated in how I see the world. Said that I am learning to let go. Only letting go you can experience new things. With tantra you can embody the learning and feel it in your own skin.
You are always able to go back to see the world how you were seeing it before. You don’t have to invest in anybody else’s view. Things have to work for you. To do that, first you have to open your mind and let go. In Tantra you use sexual energy to explore. Sex is the perfect stage for most of our dramas. My experience has been that making my sexuality and intimacy to flow, it has also made the rest of my life to flow.