In my mid 20s I developed premature ejaculation. It was pretty traumatic and still to this day I can sometimes have worries of it coming back.
When I think about what was happening at the time it all makes sense. I had an intense experience coming out to my parents. The man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life also finished with me after five years together. At the age of 25 years old I only had had sex with about three men. I could not understand sex with no romance. I forced myself to go and meet people and trying to build up some ‘credentials’ as a gay man using Gaydar (before the apps), so I was trying to have sex with people as I felt this is what I had to do.
Soon after my body started to close down, every time I tried to have sex with somebody I felt I was going to come very quickly when the proper action started. At the time I just felt such a fraud: I presented myself as a ‘confident top’ but in reality I was worried that I could not fuck the guy for more than 5 mins without coming.
I decided to go for psychotherapy. That made me realise that I was full of anxiety: dealing with my parents, unable to understand my place in the gay world, also a fair amount of internalised homophobia, and this porn script of me eager to be a stud in bed having guys begging for my cock, when in reality I was deeply scared if they took it.
With all this suffering in place I read this book called The Multiorgasmic Man by Mantak Chia, who appeared to bring this secret Eastern practice of how to become multiorgasmic. He mentioned that orgasm and ejaculation were two different things. That idea alone I could not grasp. I tried to replicate his exercises but despite that it appeared simple, his taoist perspective was beyond my understanding at the time.
The psychotherapy work was opening up lots of wounds: the perfectionist in me who thought being perfect was the way to be liked, the need for control, the bullied child who was still so scared and I could not accept him, the man ashamed to say he was insecure. All these issues were coming out.
At the same time I was trying to get to understand this idea of becoming multiorgasmic as part of my healing. I found a course in NYC at the Bodyelectric School of Massage and I signed in. It was November 2000 and I was in this room with about 30 men. I had no clear idea of what I was going to experience at the time.
We did several exercises to get comfortable with each other. By the end of the first day I was hugging everybody and feeling I was in a safe and supportive place. Said that, in my first paired exercise with direct genital stimulation I came after 5 mins. I was so embarrassed and of course all my fears materialised at once!.
The course was two days and I returned the next with so much worry, but determined to get through it.
THE PEAKS OF MULTIORGASM
This second day I was full of concern. They offered me a blindfold and I took it. The exercise was going to last 90 mins and I would be constantly massaged by two guys. One only looking after my cock, the other one massaging the rest of my body.
I had been instructed in how to use my breath to distribute all my sexual energy, so it won’t get stuck in my cock and wanting to make me cum. I was also told to make sound and to meet the sensations in my body with movement.
I remember how in those 90 mins the more I followed the breathing instructions the more my fear to cum started to disappear. Something else also was taking over. I felt like if somebody had plugged me to the mains. My whole body was fizzy. This electric feeling took over me. There was a guy massaging my cock and at some point wanking me ferociously, however the more that happenned the more wired I became. Shortly I think I must have started behaving like the girl in The Exorcist jumping in the bed. My hands were in spasm but it was the most delicious and liberating feeling. I cold not understand: I was not ejaculating, however there was an ongoing sensation of having one orgasm after another.
When the experience finished I could not talk, I felt drugged, they have to assist me to walk. Not a single bit of cum have left me.
A PLACE BEYOND WORDS
It took me almost 20 years to start understanding what I had experienced, this is when I became a Tantra student and later a teacher with T4GM. I realised that I have had what they call in Tantra a peak experience. I moved into a place where I connected to the essence of who I was, beyond the chatting in my head, beyond all the pain I was suffering. There have been many of those since.
The thing that has been transformative for me is that tantra has turned sex into this healing force. It does not matter if I am masturbating, having deep intimate sex with a partner or a blowjob in the local sauna: the way I experience sex has a total different quality now. First I can recognise this electric and tingling force. It gives me greater pleasure and it also feels wholesome. The tantrics talk about the spiritual dimension of sex and I can certain feel it, and this is coming from somebody who has never been considered himself religious or spiritual before.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it, Peptantra!
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Thank you so much for sharing this story. So much of it resonated with aspects of my life. I was bullied as a boy. I have struggled with anxiety and low self esteem for most of my life. Now, at the age of nearly 50, I am hoping to start a new journey in Tantra. Your story has inspired me. With Love & Best Wishes. Marc. South Africa.
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Maravillosa historia, me identifico mucho. Gracias