I need to start with an apology, an apology for the time I never felt you were good enough. As I know now it was because I never felt good enough myself either.
I need to apologise for the many times I have lost my temper with you: when you had stage fright and I quietly told you that ‘you are embarrassing me, can you just do your job?’. I need to apologise for the many times I have compared you with others and wish you were bigger, thicker and working on cue.
I realised for many years I had just been demanding from you and not nourishing you. I just wanted you to be something else. I lived pretending that it was ok, but you knew it wasn’t, you knew that I did not accept you and that you could never live up to what I wanted from you. Now I know, and I am going to say sorry. Sorry for all these years I didn’t care for you. Sorry for the years of neglect and feeling shamed. Sorry for the times I wish you weren’t born. Sorry for being so blind, disconnected and terrified. Sorry for the years I thought you made me a lesser man, despite I would never allow anybody to know that.
OUR YOUNGER YEARS
Remember the changing room in the school, after PE, when the boys in our class were getting in the showers, and I would never dare for you to be seen in public. Fascinated by the pubic hair of others, something we did not have. Embarrassed and obsessed that I would never be good at sports.
Remember the day that mum took us to the doctor. You had an infection in your foreskin before it got removed. Remember mum asking the doctor if you will ever grow. I remember cringing with worry: I knew I was not right.
GROWING UP
Remember how growing up I was really confused about what was to be a man? I was gay so what kind of man was I? So hard trying to make sense of it. Relationships felt safe. Somehow I seemed to be good at those. It was safe to be just with one man. Maybe he will be with me forever and then I would not have to worry anymore. I won’t have to worry about what I am because I will be forever safe.
I remember I was ok with you at that time. I was relaxed and I did not really put any pressure on you. I felt we were a team and I was at peace with you, with both of us.
Relationship ended and there was a void, but also opportunity. Opportunity became worry. I just wanted to put on a performance and be seen macho: mighty, strong, powerful and so attractive. However I thought you were just ok, as long as the rest looked good, nobody would mind you. Funnily enough nobody ever said anything, but I was always secretly feeling they were just putting up with you, in the same way that I had no other option that putting up with you myself.
HEALING AND SHAME
Tantra brought healing. So much shame to get rid off. So much comparing to others. So much time spent looking at what I was not, but not knowing who I really was, and you were amazingly patient all the time.
Still I would take you out hunting and my old self would show up again, wanting you to perform. Pushing you to be a weapon, while you mainly spoke the language of love. There would be many lessons, many painful lessons for my old self, lessons in which you would shoot under pressure and I would just be consumed by shame.
Healing and shame happening at the same time. Shame attached to the old hard scripts of an imposted masculinity. Healing in learning to be a team, united and loving.
OUR RITUALS
Now we have regular rituals together. I love our rituals, where I celebrate the pleasure that you bring me. The rituals in which you can open pleasure portals for myself and for others. The rituals in which you and I finally become one. The rituals in which I surrender to your ecstatic power and I just get out of the way. Those moments I treasure, because those moments teach me that love will get us through. You are pure love and I am so glad you did not give up on me. Thanks you. I love you.
Tantric Freedom 
Dear Pep
What a great idea to write a letter to your cock! Maybe I should do this as well to get a better relationship with it. My connection to my dick is like a roller coaster going up and down. It brings me great pleasure when Im for myself, but it doesnt get as hard as it used to be and seing other rockhard cocks, make me very insecure especially, when others want to play with mine or if I should fuck them. I guess its just what the average man has to go through when getting older but its the main open task between me and my dick.
With a warm, loving hug from Switzerland Hans
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Beautiful Hans, thanks so much for your comment. I hear your concerns. The truth is that we have what we have, and it is what it is….. sounds obvious but can you find acceptance, love and compassion for yourself and for your cock?. Writing the letter was a very powerful exercise and I would recommend it to every man, but ultimately it is about cultivating an ongoing loving and compassionate relationship with ourselves…. And that has to be real and truly meant… lots of love from Manchester xxxx
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