Sex and shame

I have talked about this many other times: my shame has manifested as premature ejaculation. Something that still to this day can re-visit me.

My last encounter with premature ejaculation was only a week ago and I would love to share it with you.

It all started with a visit to a sex club in London. It is called the Vault, it happens to be very near the station where I get my train back to Manchester, where I live, so it is both easy and convenient.

I had about three hours to spend there. It was a Sunday and it was underwear afternoon. People were walking around in knickers, socks and trainers. I love people’s watching so I must have spent most of the time just observing endless hardons parading while I was in the bar sipping my drink. 

From time to time I adventured into the crowd. I had a few playful journeys, but nothing that made me really rocket. Three hours later I was on my way back home. Long train journey and I found myself flirting with the train conductor. I must say he was very sexy, but he was not interested. 

I arrived to Manchester horny as hell. I head to the local sauna. My luck meant that they had a power failure and they were closing. My horn ruled so I went to Grindr. My filter to ‘have a coffee first’ was disabled. A sexy guy came on the screen (my thinking process ‘he will do’). He happenned to be a few meters away from where I was. He showed up and was OK, not my sexy type but I felt in despair. We went home together. 

At this stage I am aware that my caricature has taken over. There is no longer the kind, loving and caring man ruling, but the greedy and ‘total top’ guy who has taken over.

MY CARICATURE

Let me introduce you to my caricature. This kind, loving and caring man who meditates, who is a tantra teacher and who also values above everything connection and sensitivity. He also has another side who is obsessed with been seen as a total top. This total top guy is like the representation of Uber-masculinity. Testosterone driven, power driven and a bit toxic. It is a part of me, so I have to welcome him into my world, but I also know that he is the result of a wound. The result of a child who was heavily bullied in school, who was a bit fat, unable to play sports and constantly called gay at the age of 7, when other children knew before him that he was different. I lived most of my childhood scared of other boys. I deeply wanted to belong, but I did not know how. 

When I became an adult, a part of me tried to come into the rescue of this young boy. I went to the gym, got tattoos and became this caricature of what is to be a man. I wanted to fuck and for my ass to remain away from others as a sign that I was a super macho. However this macho developed premature ejaculation…. But years later I understood that the pain would become the medicine.

So going back to that night in Manchester. The boy came home and the caricature took over. I fucked that boy many times and he appeared to love it. A great match, he was a total bottom and I was in my total top truth… well, my total top caricature, because it is only a very partial truth.

THE FOLLOWING DAY

The boy left and I slept. The following day my caricature took over again and wanted more. This time I went back to the sauna. I recognised when greed takes over, and this was exactly that. There were about 10 guys in there. The one I liked seemed to be partnered and moving at unison with another guy. I was not in the mood to deal with two, so I abandoned that route. Another boy came to my radar. We kissed and he reciprocated well. His cock was interesting, when erect it pointed down with a curve. His ass was bubbly and inviting. I asked him if he would be willing to be fucked with a condom, he was surprised about the condom, but agreed. We went into a room. 

As soon as we got in he room he took the poppers out and had about six puffs, I worried about his sanity. Next I was hard as a rock and trying to get into his really tight ass. So so so tight and I was brutally trying to break in while he was begging. It took five seconds for him to cum while I also was coming at the same time in the condom. That was the shortest sex I ever had, but I also was so relieved. He apologised and said to me that he has not ejaculated for a week, I (ashamingly) decided not to confess that I had just come to protect my total top persona. A part of me was very embarrassed to come so quickly. The wounds of premature ejaculation visited me briefly, but another part was arising, the loving and caring part coming back and saying: ‘I needed to take over’. I knew what it was saying.

I headed to the shower and the boy was showering next to me. I then head to the changing room and got dressed, he came and asked me ‘how come are you leaving? You have just arrived’. I answered ‘there are times one should not be here, today it is one of those days’. I head home with a sense of liberation.

FROM PAIN TO LIBERATION

I must confess, when I experience premature ejaculation a part of me hurts so much. It’s like a confirmation that I am not the man that I want to be. 

Said that, when it happens I have developed a new trust. A trust in that my body knows best. My body rules over my mind. My body does not respond to the shackles that my mind has put on. My body knows that my caricature is nonsense. That I am more than that. My body knows that my caricature is just only one part of me. It’s not my truth. It is some of the truth but not my truth.

What tantra has brought to me is a trust in my body. My body holds truth beyond the conditionings of my mind. 

The other day I thanked my body for having some common sense and get me out of that script that my mind had created. 

I must tell you, there is still pain. Every time it happens I feel I regress back to be that powerless boy. I also know that everytime it happens that powerless boy is being seen and wants to be seen, and my job is to look after him, because I know best.

I love you boy. I also love you power top for what you try to heal. In fact I embrace the randomness of life and I would not want to change any moment of what happenned.

These days I am a tantra teacher. I am far from perfect. I lose my shit sometimes but the difference is that I can hold it. I can hold the bliss and the ecstasy and I also can hold the lows and the glimpses of ‘shame’. I can hold it and I have a certainty about it that it all makes sense.