My cock and I

As a gay man in my late forties I realised how over the years the relationship with my cock has been full of drama. I feel fortunate that getting older I have reached a very happy place with it, partly thanks to tantra. 

Tantra has offered me a very different way to relate to my genitals in which they have finally become much more a source of the ultimate pleasure than a case for concern. Actually I could say of neurotic concern.

MY COCK IS TOO SMALL

I presume that being a kid, as many other gay kids, I knew there was something different in me: never liked sport, I found other kids (guys) menacing, I was the fatty who can’t kick a football ball. I suffered endless bullying and I was terrified by other guys my age. Well, I really wanted to fit in, but I did not know how. 

I must have been 9 or 10 and I got an infection in the tip of my cock, something got really irritated and mum took me to the doctor. They had to pull the skin back of the tip of my cock and I remember the doctor having to clean up the area which was extremely sore. A nurse and my mum where holding me. It was so painful and unpleasant. When the doctors finished while I was crying my eyes out, I remember my mum asking the doctor if my cock was too small. The doctor said to mum that it was completely normal, but that was the beginning of my obsession with thinking I had a small cock.

I think I was probably a bit late to develop, I still look like a kid, while my peers started to look like teenagers. The changing rooms in the school gym where the most terrifying place in my week. After the physical education class I always refused to shower. I was too ashamed of showing my dick. I would change there but never take my pants off, around me all these testosteronic teenagers would be showering and changing clothes and I would discover that they had pubic hair, they had uncut cocks (mine was cut, I thought they were all the same). Some cocks look massive to me. I felt so inadequate.

My best friend and neighbour was a year older than me. We learnt to wank together -in my previous post ‘A lifetime of porn’ is all described in detail-. His cock looked enormous to me. I felt so jealous, but I also I realised that my fascination for big cock must have started there. I thought I wanted it for myself, but maybe at the time in reality what was happening is that I was fully realising that I liked cock rather than pussy.

IF IT GETS HARD LOOKS GOOD

As I got into my mid teens, I started getting all the hairs and my cock started to appear more decent. Not only that, but if it got hard it looked really happy and proud. 

I used to go to the local swimming pool daily. I had no idea of the etiquette, but because I was so worried about the size of my cock I used to think that if I was hard it would looked better to others. I used to get to the shower and try to wank to the point of getting it hard so I could go into the changing area and be proud of what I got. I think I should have got a few strange looks when I finally clicked that this was not appropriate. I remember the caretaker in the gym coming to have a word with me and telling me that ‘people like me should a bit more considerate in the changing room area’. I honestly had not idea of what he was talking about. At that age I only wanted to be accepted for having a decent cock, he was probably saying that I was gay.

Getting stiff in the changing rooms in the gym then became a problem. I finally understood that it should not be displayed, but the problem was that as my hormones kicked in and I got more and more excited about seeing naked men around me, I could not control it. I often would have to wank in the shower so I could be sure that my cock would go flaccid by the time I was in the changing room. I often had to change clothes and be quick, because as soon that I saw a guy taking their briefs off, my cock would go hard again.

Getting hard in the changing room became a real problem. I was living in Spain in the eighties. Military service was compulasory at eighteen years old. I was sixteen and I lived in fear that if I was in a communal shower in the military barracks I would get a hard on and everybody would realise that I was gay, and then I would be bullied all over again. I lived in fear for two years with my instant erections. Fortunately I managed to never made it to the army years later.

GAY SEX, PARTNERS AND INSECURITY

I never had sex with a woman, and my first experience with a guy was at 21 years old. Shortly I got my first relationship, a long term partner for 5 years. I can’t honestly remember how  sex was with my partner at the time, but I must not have had any issues.

He left me. I thought he was going to be THE ONE. I never had really played around as a gay man. I was heartbroken but eager to discover what I may have been missing. At the same time I felt unequipped and inexperienced.

At this stage intimacy started becoming a problem. I was eager to explore but so full of judgement. I would often meet a guy and dread the time that we would start being sexual. I would be hard super quickly, that would never be a problem, but I would fear I would also come really quickly. I feel I often did. However I also realise that I may have distorted reality and I may have been completely fine. However whatever I did, I would judge myself as inadequate.

TANTRA CAME

My first experience with tantra 20 years ago at a Body Electric School workshop started with me ejaculating after the first cock massage, only a few minutes in after  being paired up. I felt awful. The following day it was the ‘grand finale’ a 90 minutes ritual in which I would be massaged by two men. One would only be working on my cock, the other one would be massaging me all over the body. I was terrified. 

I chose wearing a eye mask, so I could not see. The workshop was wonderfully facilitated and despite my concerns I was excited and at peace with whatever the outcome would be. The next 90 minutes would transform me. I got levels of ecstasy that I had never achieved again. I was hard all the time. I never came despite of one guy constantly massaging my cock. I remember being possessed in the massage table like something taken from the movie The Exorcist. I have no idea where I went, but it felt I had an out of body experience. I never came.

The experience taught me two things. My worries were in my head and the potential of my cock (and the rest of my body) was beyond anything I could have imagined.

YEARS LATER

Over the years I had ups and downs with my cock. I had gone through insecure patches, I had some relapses of what I felt was premature ejaculation but I always remembered my first tantric experience to reassure me that it was all fine.

The past few years I took my tantric learning more serious, to the point that I started coaching other men. I adore my cock. Gives me so much pleasure. I love cock also, but I just love the men in which those cocks live.

I remember one tantric coach saying to me; ‘the cock will become just like an aerial to then start generating a vibration that then will travel all throughout your body, up to the point that your whole body will be your cock’. I loved that image: I am my cock and my cock is me. 

I now love my cock and I give myself the love and kindness that I deserve.