When I was a kid I had very few male friends. I used to find other boys intimidating. Most boys would play football and I was not into it. In fact the male environment used to really scare me.
The physical education class in primary school was the biggest theatre for all my neurosis as a kid. The main problem started in the changing room. The idea of being naked with other boys both traumatised me and also made me incredibly excited. I did not know at the time I was gay, this is the 1980s in Spain and being gay did not compute as a possibility. In my early teens I was deeply worried my cock was too small, I was ashamed and I did not want anybody to see it. At the same time I could sense my sexuality was awakening in my early teens and I so wanted to see all those naked boys in the changing room. There were a couple of guys who were a bit more developed than the rest: they had hairy pubes and beautiful dangling balls and bouncing cocks. I remember just finding every possible way to look without being seen. I would spend time rearranging my gym bag to be able to see them coming in and out of the shower, while I fantasised that I was drying them slowly with their towels, feeling their bulge and making sure I could reach their dirty underwear and having a sniff.
I still will go home and feel deeply inadequate and ashamed. I felt less of a man. Yes, I realise that there was so much pain. My narrative was that I had a small cock, I was chubby, I was weak and I was deeply scared to be physically hurt. That stayed with me for many years and some of those feelings can stil appear even to this day.
I was a very solitary child. Eager to have male friends. Eager to feel safe in male company, but the truth was is that anything masculine was a threat and I only felt safe amongst women.
I was yearning for a group of friends, of male friends, to do things together. To be safe. To be playful. To be cool. That is all I wanted.
In my twenties I fully embraced being gay. I used to be in long term relationships, initially mostly monogamous as I could not imagine anything different. Relationships felt safe and I was being accepted, even I could still not fully accept myself.
I desperately wanted to find ways to validate myself. I started to go to the gym and grow muscle. Initially it was all about getting a look, something that made me appear strong and desirable. I secretly wanted to be like Sylvester Stallone, but I would never admit it.
As I became more confident as a gay man I started to develop some supportive friendships with other men, mostly straight. Men were no longer a threat but I was still lacking a supportive group of gay male friends. In reality the gay scene used to still scare me. Being in a gay bar made me feel anxious and hyper-judgemental, judgmental of my looks, of my desirability, I could never relax. This was all before the apps arrived.
Relationships and lovers
Several long term relationships and lovers down the line I was still feeling deeply insecure. I was hoping you would not notice, because I though i was very good at covering it. One of the things that happen was premature ejaculation. My deeply rooted judgements around myself manifested physically. Self-hate and to an extend internalised homophobia made intimacy a minefield with others. This used to happen with some newly acquired lovers, the self-doubt will always kick in. I would still go to gay saunas and sex clubs, but I would need a fair amount of alcohol to desynthesise me and allow myself to be intimate and free with other guys.
I moved away from monogamy into a very well managed open relationship which offered me huge amount of safety and reassurance. My partner was always deeply accepting and caring, I think he has always been more caring and accepting of me, that I could accept myself.
The Tantra Brotherhood
I firstly stepped into tantra more than 20 years ago and it blew my mind. I was in the midst of my premature ejaculation neurosis and I had an amazing multiorgasmic experience. In tantra we talked about the teaching that peak experiences gives you. That day I touched something I could never have imagined it was possible. I was being ‘spiritually wanked’ for about two hours and I never came. I had an out of body experience, my body was tingling all over and I knew my life would never be the same again.
It took many years since I decided to pursue a deeper tantric path. In my first weekend with T4GM with Jason in London I met some of the men who now I can say they are part of my core family of brothers.
Tantra is not for the ill-hearted. It takes somebody with a deep sense of curiosity, courage and openness to face your own truth. The rewards can be inmense but the journey can also be challenging and provocative.
The beauty is that you are not alone. You make friends along the way that become life companions. Men that you relate to in ways that are deeply loving and that made me understand the meaning of ‘spirituality’.
I have shared the deepest of shames with those men, they have seen me at my lowest and at my highest. We all have embraced each other truths from a non judgmental place. They have been my teachers, my lovers, my companions and my friends. Tantra is about finding your truth, the real truth in the humanity of who you are and how you can be in service to the world.
I feel now in service to truly support others as a teacher, coach, mentor and a friend. With humility and with a deep desire to allow for other men to find their own truth too.
Thanks Pep, your honesty and openness will resonate with many, it certainly does with me, you really a great man, thank you 🙏
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Those are super kind words Paul. Sending you lots of love back xxxxx
Your thoughts about yourself, about your youth, your insecurities and your tantric development inspire me every time again.
One problem that you have mentioned many times is the size of the dick. I have also been struggling with this since my teenage years. But what worries me even more is that many men think and say thet they have a small dick, even though it’s bigger than mine! In addition, I have also learned over time that a flaccid cock does not say so much about its size when aroused. I have a colleague whose cock is limp about half the size of mine, but stiff about the same length and especially it is about twice as thick as mine. Comforting for me is only the fact that far more men see my cock flaccid than erect. Advantages brings a small, thin cock sometimes when fucking. I have often experienced that a sex partner has made it clear right at the beginning that he can not be fucked, but then in view of my cock meant he would like to try it with me. Such remarks have hurt me in each case in the first moment, but the prospect of a hot fuck, has made me forget this pain again.
You’re absolutely right – I also need a security to let myself go sexually. When I realize that my sex partner has pleasure in me and my body, then I can also enjoy it fully. If I notice that something about me bothers him, then it’s over for me. In Tantra I have often experienced such safety, but also great disappointments. I can remember an experience where it was about aromas and how they can help to let the sexual energy flow. When I entered the room for this event, I saw that many had already found a partner. There were still a few men, but I didn’t dare to approach them and suddenly a young South American man came up to me and asked me if we wanted to do the workshop together. I agreed joyfully and we fevered together to a higher and higher excitement. It so happened that most of the participants were watching us without me noticing. I would have liked very much to experience an orgasm together with him, but I realized that he did not want that and so I just enjoyed our joint excitement. When the workshop was over, I would have liked to thank him and I wanted to ask him if we could perhaps continue the experience. But before I could ask him, a man came into the room that I had never seen before and he went straight for him and they jerked each other off to orgasm. I watched from afar and just felt bad and hurt. This incident was one of the reasons why I decided then that the next Tantra Love Festival would be my last. I wanted to give the festival another chance, but then another incident happened this year that gave me the rest. I still love the basic idea behind Tantra, that everyone is a lovable man regardless of appearance, but reality often, too often speaks a different, more brutal language. As I get older, I also become more sensitive and I don’t want to put myself in a position where I can be hurt.
I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and hope that we can somehow still stay in touch, even if Jason and Ingo want to make the T4GM app a payment app. I don’t think there will be too many more to join. USD 49 per month for the lowest offer is too much from my point of view, but I also understand that the app must not remain a loss-making business.
With a hug full of love
Beautiful man, I feel so grateful and honoured with your sharing, also the fact that you show such degree of vulnerability. I completely understand everything that you mention here. I used to be concerned for the size of my cock. Tantra massively helped with that. I became more and ,more accepting of my body. Regarding cock particularly I adore mine now, it has taken years but I treat it with lots of love, care and compassion. This has paid off and I feel so much more integrated with it.
I read about your discomfort and pain, about having being hurt and being scared about it. I totally understand and I can imagine how getting old can have also an impact to it. It’s a difficult one because we all want to have great times, great sex and also feel accepted, and feeling rejected is not a nice feeling.
I have been reading a beautiful book by Osho called ‘Being in love’ which I totally recommend. Talks about the different of ‘loneliness’ and ‘aloness’. ‘Loneliness’ is a more ‘needy’ estate, in which we are looking for somebody / something to make us feel complete. ‘Aloness’ is the quality of standing on your own feet, being love and accepting, and not necessarily needing anything to be complete. Tantra has certainly increased my ‘aloness’ capacity. I can be present in dating apps and saunas/sex clubs and not ‘needing’ anything, just being present. I show up full of love and integrity, I try to bring the ‘high vibration’ that tantra has offered me to those spaces. If I get a ‘no’ those never have to do anything with me, they are always about the other person. They do not really hurt either, because I feel really comfortable in my ‘aloness’. My suggestion would be to keep working on that quality and be aware of when the ‘loneliness’ kicks in. If we relate to others from a ‘lonely’ place there are less chances to create something that is based in true shared joy.
Please keep in touch, you always can reach me here, and happy to jump into a zoom call if there is anything that you want to chat about. With lots of love, Pep xxxxx
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Pep,. You are a tremendous inspiration. I’m very new to this and feel bad that I found it so late in life. Your open ness is an inspiration helping me to face decades of personal blindness and fears!!
Thx lovely man, and so amazing to hear your comments. Not sure where abouts in the world you are, but if you are near Manchester, there is plenty of opportunity for community!. I am running a weekend workshop with my colleague Armand on the 29th / 30th April and also full residential week for the T4GM diploma in tantra in Glastonbury in July https://www.tantra4gaymen.co.uk/event/ecstasy-orgasm-with-armand-pep/
Thank you Pep. That means a lot. I’m not quite 70 yet.
Believe it or not. I have made huge strides since I discovered tantra. But the main issues are still overwhelming.
This is a never ending journey man, make the struggle the engine for your enquiry, sometimes is more painful to stay as we are that dive for change. I know it can feel scary, but you know the alternative already. My advice, keep the journey and find good allies, there is people out there with the same predicament. I found tantra to be incredibly helpful and by far the best personal development project I have embraced xxxx