I often fantasise about builders. There is something about the testosterone in a building site that drives me wild. I love seeing the guys in their dirty clothes, with that unapologetic ‘macho’ attitude. One of the things that I find super sexy is when is hot and they are wearing the high vis and they are just bare chested. I can imagine how good would it feel to be the sweat on their skins, and then I go into my own fantasy land.
I imagine that I am a ‘fly on the wall’ and I see them all getting together at the end of their shift to get changed. The changing room is pretty spartan, their work boots, hard hats and dirty clothes start dropping. They are chatting to eachother, probably talking about pussy. In my fantasy they are the most straight caricature you can think, like a rough version of the Marlboro man. They keep dropping their clothes, some of them are wearing very dirty ‘trackies’, most of them don’t have underwear on, and you could sense the shape of their cocks every time they move. I play to discover if they are cut or uncut before they even take trousers off. Remember I am inside their changing room but I am invisible, they can not see me but I can see it all and smell it, it is making me stiff.
I keep watching them undressing and most of them have massive cocks and round assess. You have to have a massive cock to work in that building site (I think I would love that recruiting job, but that is another fantasy ;-). Some of their cocks have a semi, but they don’t seem to bother. They are all mates. They even talk about their cocks with eachother. My own cock is getting so hard looking at all of them. There is a short muscley black Caribbean guy who has called my attention. He is wearing a jock and is still the only one whose cock is not on view. I am salivating and fantasising about how big his cock must be. The bulge seems to be a bit wet, I think his cock is dribbling pre-cum after working hard all day. I can almost taste it in my lips. I want to have that cock in my mouth and milk it while the others get in the showers. I would suck him off, he would be standing on the bench with his balls on my face while I go up and down lubricating his shaft with my tongue. The others are washing their bodies, passing the soap to eachother. Cleaning their cracks and a couple are giving themselves a wank while they are in the open showers talking to their mates. Nobody bothers. It’s all cool. We are all macho here, we are all mates.
I recently was reading the book Arousal by psychologist Michael Bader, and he talks about how sexual fantasies have a function and it is to primarily arouse you. Overriding anything that could be stopping the flow of your sexual pleasure.
In our everyday life there are lots of things that can inhibit our sexual impulses. One of the typical causes of inhibition are how we feel guilty about our needs. Sexual fantasies are constructed by the creative mind as a way to transcend, to discomfirm our guilty notions about what is ok or not ok to express.
In a way you could see that our sexual fantasies can be a window to a deeper truth about ourselves and give us clues about how our unconscious operates and what can be influencing it. Sometimes looking at the narrative of our sexual fantasies can give us clues about maybe, what is not flowing in our pleasure, what is stopping our sex. Sexual fantasies are in a way not so dissimilar to dreams, they can hold metaphorical language and point out towards issues that are affecting, and stopping the flow of our sexual pleasure.
He explains that most of us can carry a degree of shame and guilt that can inhibit our sexual desire. The function of sexual fantasies is to go beyond that shame, to overcome anything that stops the flow of your sexuality and yes, basically make you horny in the process.
Tantra and sexual fantasies
In tantra we work a lot with sexual fantasy. Tantra is about your liberation, about being able to take away shame and guilt to embody your pleasure in a deeper and more conscious manner. A person with greater consciousness around pleasure is potentially a happier person, a person more aligned with their truth: a more rounded, functional and vibrating human being. Tantra points towards that if you can be inhabit the truth of your sexual pleasure consciously, you have more chances to be living a fulfilling life.
In my one to one work coaching tantra clients, I am interested to find out where is sexual pleasure not flowing. Often people come to tantra when something is not fully working for them. They are looking for something more. They have heard about the promise of multiorgasms and higher realms of pleasure. Sometimes people think it is a technique when in reality is not about that. The bigger job is not to learn some breathwork and massage strokes but learning to be FREE in your pleasure, allowing for pleasure to flow through you.
Some of you may have read this story on my blog before. I was heavily bullied through my school years. I used to feel weak and vulnerable. I used to be scared to go to school. I was an A student though, I used studying as my way to gain respect from my peers and to feel love by my parents. I used to be worried daily that somebody was going to punch me and I would not be able to punch back, because I was weak.
At the same time I was becoming aware I was gay. The changing room at school used to terrify me, the exercise class was my biggest nighmare. I felt so exposed there and I used to forge my parents signature on a regular basis pretending I was sick not to participate in the class. At the same time, I was diying to see all those boys getting naked in the changing room. The bullies were also secretly my source of arousal. It made me feel conflicted and further inadequate. How could I sexually fantasise around the same people who gave me harm?.
As a grown up, and an adult gay man, I used to have a problem being a bottom. Being a bottom reminded me of being that vulnerable, helpless child. I could not frame being a bottom with pleasure, because I still secretly wanted to be seen as one of those testosteronic boys who so much scared me. I wanted to be one of them.
I believe the builders in that fantasy changing room are nothing more than those boys that I secretly just wanted to play with, be part of.
As an adult I created a caricature of being this total top personality. The way to somehow validate myself as a gay man was by making sure people perceived me as a top, and never as a bottom. However this brought also pain, often performance anxiety and premature ejaculation, I could not be free in my pleasure because I was so attached to the persona I wanted to project that this was inhibiting my true sexual energy.
When tantra arrived to my life, very soon I discovered that the healing had to happen through my ass. My pleasure was not fully realised because my attachment to wanting to be a top was so strong. I had to ditch that persona. I had to heal that child and I had to embrace pleasure to the full.
My fantasy changing room was full of toxic masculinity, but also full of confidence, brotherhood and an unapologetic truth to their connection to the flow of life and pleasure.
My journey through tantra has been about conquering all the aspects of my sexuality. Being comfortable and embracing having it up the ass, and equally being flowing and deeply loving when I penetrate somebody. Sex is great fun, but also is an opportunity to consciously be in my full truth and keep healing.
I have blogged before about the times when suffering returns, when still to this day I get glimpses of premature ejaculation, when I get disappointed with my performance. I have learnt now that in those ocassions I am going back to my old script. These things run deep and they serve as a reminder that the work never ends.
Supporting other men
In my coaching I want men to be able to inhabit the closest version of what brings them real pleasure, away from guilt and shame. If we are able to show up in sex fully and consciously, I am a great believer that life becomes fuller and more pleasurable too. The bedroom is a metaphor of your life, so if it happens in your sex, it probably also happens in your life.
Whereas in the past it was the excess testosterone in my body that drove me to have rampant sex at every available opportunity, today it is virtually exclusively sexual fantasy that drives me to feel pleasure in sex at all. My fantasy overrides accurate thoughts of what I’m actually doing. Licking an asshole, swallowing cum, getting cum all over, fucking – I’d rather not think too specifically about what I’m actually doing. And yet I do everything with pleasure, because my imagination goes crazy when an open ass offers itself to me, when I see someone wincing and ejaculating all over me. When I watch porn and pleasure myself, those videos that satisfy my deepest desires bring me to orgasm. In real life, conversely, for me this means that my erection collapses as soon as something doesn’t exactly match my fantasy. Tantric encounters help me to take the pressure of having to perform away from me. It’s more about being mindful of the other man, his vulnerability, and ejaculation is not so much in the foreground as it is during sex.
Interestingly, I’ve never developed a particular fantasy for big dicks and I wonder if that’s because I’m built below average myself. To me, the lingam in and of itself is more important than how powerful it presents itself. On the one hand, there’s an admiration for big dicks, but it can make me afraid of not being enough. Only when someone shows me that he desires me, then I can also let myself go fully and the fantasy takes over the reality.
How do you break through shyness? I have a hard time even getting close to a fantasy or it erodes the fantasy to nothing. Is this a common issue or am I just weird?
What are you shy about? What is the true desire that you are not experiencing? What gets on the way? You are not weird, those are very human questions….
The shyness is part fear of rejection ( which has a well founded base) inexperience , not knowing how to get the experience, and very bad self image. There is much more that I haven’t tried to identify. I know alot of it is nonsense intellectually but I can’t seem to get by them when I’ve tried I just ended up proving my fear right.
You have several avenues in tantra, one is to get to an afternoon workshop or weekend near you.
You could consider working with somebody one to one. Acknowledging your struggle is the first step. After that your choice is to remain as you are or to step into the unknown, scary but … what you already know does not seem to serve you. Lots of love, Pep xxxx
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