I have just been back from what used to be my favourite sex club. The Vault is a club in Central London. It is well attended by all sort of men. On a Monday evening is nude night. You arrive there and you put your clothes in a plastic crate. After that you move around ball naked with only your trainers and your socks -socks are very important because you can keep lube, condoms and a credit card- all the essentials to exist for a few hours.

Years ago I used to find the Vault a refreshing  place. Everybody naked, moving around. Randomly attaching yourself to strangers. Cocks and asses on tap. I used to find that atmosphere incredibly horny. Some of my best nights I could be having sex for hours with random strangers, sucking cock and fucking as I pleased.

Usually when I arrive it  often takes me an hour to just settle and chill before I have some action. Alcohol would help me to relax. It would take me two beers to calm the nerves down and give me enough time to assess the energy and feel grounded.  After that hour I would normally feel ready to start exploring, navigate bodies and seek random contact. I find that there is a sense of freedom and inmediacy in that environment that really attracts me to it. Almost animalistic and very real.

This evening it felt very different though. I was already sensing that something has changed. First it took me four beers rather than two just to chill. Then I moved around and I found myself not aroused. Lots of attractive guys, lots of action, but I could not find my mojo to just be part of the play.

I really made an effort and eventually ten minutes before leaving I entered into a threesome of snogs, blowjobs and really caring touch. There was good quality there. I would not be able to recognise the men outside if I saw them now though, but there was good energy in that interaction. I left confused (and I had to leave early because I had a train to catch).

Casual sex and tantra

I do really feel that Tantra is the Michelin star of sex. You do take your time to flavour a connection. There is subtlety, tons of it, but can also have boldness, joy and more than anything there is time for things to develop, to grow and to manifest.

Casual sex has a different quality. The package may look great, but there is little time for subtlety. It is bold and that can be very arousing. It comes with a demand for inmediacy. In a sex club everything turns consumable. If you don’t take it, somebody will. Today I realised that I am currently struggling with that concept.

Wanting to be everything 

My struggle is that I really want to be able to enjoy both parts of the game. Before going to the sex club I had 24 hours of wonderful connection with a trantric man: feeling each others while we cooked naked, making love as it felt right, massaging and feeling our bodies fluidly and just making sure we were both making it safe for each other. Creating an easy and loving container. Delightful, easy and horny.

I was wishing for it to be the same at the Vault. Being able to navigate strangers in the same way. The premise being that if ‘I feel OK and grounded’ everything is possible. I would be available to the opportunities and willing to be equally tantric on those random moments. When I say tantric I mean ‘conscious’, ‘present’, ‘caring’, ‘loving’, and ‘opened’ to the moment. That full opening must come from an ’aligned’ way of being, when you are feeling whole and not just ruled by the lust of the moment -at least this is how I understand it-.

It did not really work… or it took copious amounts of alcohol for that to be the case. So in reality I had to bypass my consciousness to enjoy the moment.

I have an open enquiry with myself. My body is saying NO to that format of sexual encounters. My mind feels that I could make them work perfectly fine. I want to think that you can equally be conscious, present, caring and opened to the moment in those situations. The reality is that it did not happen today.


I remember reading the wonderful book in my early tantric years The Man Tantra Letters . The book is a correspondence between two old friends who reach their forties and now live miles away. They were lovers in their 20s, survived the AIDS pandemic and now they are both going through a bit of a ‘mid-life crisis’, including trying to review what role sex plays in their lives. Both take tantra in their own way. One has the most profound tantric experiences in sex clubs in Paris and Amsterdam with either one special lover or casual men. In the meantime the other one is in a committed monogamous tantric relationship with this man in India. Being part of a community in a temple.

When the man in Paris was going out, he was always fully present, no matter if it involved a fetish evening or group sex. He would prepare for the evening through meditation and opening himself up to the moment with consciousness and awareness. The man in India was doing the same. Creating very beautiful rituals with his man. Both men in Paris and India were treating sex with a sense of sacredness.

I really want to believe that this degree of sacredness is possible and only takes for you to be grounded and open to the here and now, to the opportunity of the moment. This means that even in a casual encounter you can create ’magic’ and remain connected, fully present and tantric in your intention. Said that, I have to admit that I am struggling to achieve that with a casual encounter at the moment.

A few ideas: am I still judging my experience too much when I am meeting somebody and not fully immersing myself in the moment? is it that I should just abandon the notion of meeting somebody casually and only look for people that I feel fully aligned with?.

I don’t have an answer. Following the tantric tradition: I keep myself open to the experience and listening to what my body has to say.

1 comment

  1. Re -: Tantra and Random Sex
    Firstly thank you for sharing, if I am honest I thgt I was reading my own enquiry
    After a visit to a regular gay sauna a couple of weeks ago. First time since lockdown.
    I know some will say about the the insincerity or self centredness of others in the sex clubs and saunas and on apps. I see it a little differently, as they have not had the privilege and fortitude to experience what we have with tantra, which isn’t necessarily their fault.
    For me, it’s about where I am on this journey, and yes, I am growing, so therefore things will look and feel differently..Your last experience at the vault, happened to me two weeks ago in the sauna, I had a snog with a really lovely looking man, but nothing happened for either of us, previously I would have stayed with it, for fear of missing out, or me ego was such, that it just had to happen, but it didn’t.
    just before I was leaving, the barman, who I had been talking too all evening, finished his shift, and it happened..it was hot and beautiful..
    Experiencing pleasure with a tantric partner, is amazing on many levels as you say the Michelin star,but reality is that not every connection will be with someone who has the insights we have…As with my yoga and meditation, before I go to a.sex club/sauna, I set my intentions, the why..I find since starting my tantric journey, I don’t see failure or disappointment, but more about what can I learn or what is the universal energy telling me…
    You my friend have helped my enquiry, thank you, and hope I haven’t waffled on..
    PS, anytime you want a buddy to come with you, just shout 😉


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