Me and my ass

Only until recently, my ass did not compute much in my life. I think it helped me not to have to see it. There is a saying in Spanish language that when you want to refer to a big ass, you say: ‘it is the size of a bullring’. I always thought mine was: pretty fat and certainly cushioning. I was not a fan of my ass, it kind of ashamed me.

Ass and shame

I guess for a gay man who aspired to be masculine, strong and to be perceived in its full iconic virility, my ass was really a nuisance.

During my childhood I was heavily bullied, I guess because I was perceived to be different, Possibly some of the other kids knew I was gay before I did. I had no interest in football and the PE class was my worst nightmare. The masculine world fell unsafe to me, I took refuge in the women around me. As I became a young adult, I went the opposite way. I wanted to be a ‘proper’ man. I started to exercise, to gain some muscle, I wanted to be perceived as a strong guy. So much suffering being ‘weak’, I wanted to look the part of those guys I really admired: masculine, big cocks, strong chests, beards, tattoos… the ones that I really wanted to have sex with, I just wanted to be one of them.

I can see that persona a bit like a caricature now. So much suffering of never feeling that I could  fit in. In this caricature the idea of being a top in sex also played a big role. Yeah, I wanted to be that guy who fucks another bloke and the other bloke just melts. He then just wants more and more of me, of my cock…. Amazing…. And let’s keep the ass -my ass- out of reach.

Long relationships and sex

Very soon after coming out, I got into a series of long term relationships. In reality I never slept around much, I kept getting exploring monogamy (as I felt it could not be any other way at the time). 

Monogamy brought in full sex exploration in a safe container for me. I can’t remember much of it now, but I guess I used to fuck and be fucked. The feeling however used to be that being fucked was hard work: the cleaning, the ass having to dilate, the pain when the cock goes in, so much fuss… I used to secretly wanted it to pass quickly, but I felt I had to offer my bit. My partners were always versatile and it would have been unfair just to make them always do the same role. I strongly believed in fairness so I had to put up with being fucked by the men I loved, I assumed it was part of the deal.

Shags and lovers

Through my mid thirties I finally started to shag around, I thought I was such a late bloomer compared to some of my friends!. I was very grateful though to almost 15 years of mostly monogamy. I think it made me more confident into finding great men. I then shagged around a fair amount, exploring saunas and sex clubs. Exploring anonymous sex and also wonderful connections with regular lovers. In all those, however, I re-connected with my caricature, I was mostly a top, and very rarely I would bottom for somebody.

I got into another long term relationship, this time open from day one. With a partner, again I would give into versatility, but for the rest of the world, yes I was a top.

Secretly, I so hated my ass. So big, so round, so unattractive. I could not believe anybody who thought I had a nice ass, they must have been blind or far too kind. 

Tantra came

My first experiences with Tantra, 20 years ago, it was mostly cock based. Tantra pointed towards a new relationship with my sexual being. The orgasms were amazing. However it took a while since I deepened into proper ass play.

It was only about five years ago, in one of the long residential tantric courses that I was doing, in which anal massage was properly introduced to me. I could not understand how much the ass is related to the ability to surrender. Surrendering was not a concept in my dictionary. That was only for cowards. I was a fighter, an alpha male, why on earth I would want to surrender?. 

That day something was about to change. That anal massage completely opened up new avenues for me. The following day I was lighter, I felt more whole, something shifted in my personality.

It took me a few days to understand what happenned. In surrendering I found liberation. I found liberation from my script of trying to project a caricature of myself. I found liberation in accepting the full dimension of my pleasure. I found liberation in accepting my ass. 

Up the ass

The last five years have been an ongoing journey to fully accept the joys of my ass. I now feel 100% comfortable with dropping the script. I loved being fucked. I love the energy it brings. 

One of the practices I often do is using a buttplug. I could have a buttplug on in tantric meditation, or when I am sitting down watching the tele. It is not only pleasurable, but also it gives me instant access to one of the cores of my sexual energy. Being in touch with that energy makes me vibrate. Also self pleasuring my cock with a butt plug on feels really good.

In my tantric work, my objective is to bring more wholeness into a man. The ass is often the key, once we surrender into anal pleasure, a whole new range of possibilities can now happen.

I love my ass and the joy it brings me.


  1. Dear Pep

    I find myself in so many of your statements, including this one about your relationship with your ass. I too have always felt that my ass was too big and not as perfectly shaped as that of my lovers. It’s possible that this is due to a remark of my brother, two years younger than me, who once told me as a teenager that my ass was that of a horse, and this has stuck with me all my life. I, too, was almost always the active one. Not because I wanted to prove something to myself, but it just happened that way and besides, it was the hottest thing for me to fuck an ass bare. Condoms were for straight men. Then came the AIDS time and I had to get used to condoms, respectively I got used to it badly until today. Either my cock collapses immediately or I could fuck for hours without coming. Only with my partner, with whom I have been together since 1992, I have learned to love the passive part as well. His cock is so perfect for me that I have orgasmed each time without touching myself. Today, unfortunately, we hardly have sex. But back to my ass. Now, close to 71, it just hangs down despite the gym. I can tense it very well, because it is actually well trained, but just, I can not tense it during 24 hours – so it just hangs down and I find that very ugly – especially with me. Recently I had sex with a younger man and he found my ass so great that it was the greatest thing for him to lick me as often as possible – I was in heaven. How can it be that a younger man finds my ass so attractive that he even wants to lick it? My mind still can’t keep up with it.Well, I could go under the knife to a plastic surgeon and have my body shaped, but first of all I would hardly know where to start and secondly it would contradict what is actually my principle, namely that you have to accept your age and your body – everything else is basically ridiculous. Tantra has caused me to rethink in so far as I also got to know other sex than fucking and being fucked – more loving, slower and that makes me much hornier than the pressure of having to perform somehow.

    With a hug,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Beautiful, first of all, many many thanks for sharing this.
      I find that we all go through spending so much time being angry with parts of our body, comparing ourselves with other people…. So much energy wasted. Embracing what we have is far more ‘economical’. Yes the surgeon is always an option I guess, but what about working and love and acceptance for what we have first?.
      I love the story of the young man finding the Garden of Eden in your asshole. He must have been so happy!. There is such a lovely lesson there. We are all so different and we see and interact with the world in different ways. Your pet hates may be somebody else’s joy.
      Since practicing tantra I have also discovered a very different way to interact with my body. Tantra is about love. Love starts with accepting ourselves, how we are right now. I have found that the more I have practiced that, the more joy I have been receiving. My sex life is so much more ecstatic than even before, and like yourself, these days I am having far less ‘fucking’ sex than I used to do, however I have understood that sex has a potential now to make me vibrate beyond the script. I feel I can now finally embrace the joy of seeing how that vibration travels through my body. I can feel how it awakens me. I feel far more connected and my pretty ass has a lot to answer for it.
      Sending you lots of love beautiful man,

      Pep xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

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