Only until recently, my ass did not compute much in my life. I think it helped me not to have to see it. There is a saying in Spanish language that when you want to refer to a big ass, you say: ‘it is the size of a bullring’. I always thought mine was: pretty fat and certainly cushioning. I was not a fan of my ass, it kind of ashamed me.
Ass and shame
I guess for a gay man who aspired to be masculine, strong and to be perceived in its full iconic virility, my ass was really a nuisance.
During my childhood I was heavily bullied, I guess because I was perceived to be different, Possibly some of the other kids knew I was gay before I did. I had no interest in football and the PE class was my worst nightmare. The masculine world fell unsafe to me, I took refuge in the women around me. As I became a young adult, I went the opposite way. I wanted to be a ‘proper’ man. I started to exercise, to gain some muscle, I wanted to be perceived as a strong guy. So much suffering being ‘weak’, I wanted to look the part of those guys I really admired: masculine, big cocks, strong chests, beards, tattoos… the ones that I really wanted to have sex with, I just wanted to be one of them.
I can see that persona a bit like a caricature now. So much suffering of never feeling that I could fit in. In this caricature the idea of being a top in sex also played a big role. Yeah, I wanted to be that guy who fucks another bloke and the other bloke just melts. He then just wants more and more of me, of my cock…. Amazing…. And let’s keep the ass -my ass- out of reach.
Long relationships and sex
Very soon after coming out, I got into a series of long term relationships. In reality I never slept around much, I kept getting exploring monogamy (as I felt it could not be any other way at the time).
Monogamy brought in full sex exploration in a safe container for me. I can’t remember much of it now, but I guess I used to fuck and be fucked. The feeling however used to be that being fucked was hard work: the cleaning, the ass having to dilate, the pain when the cock goes in, so much fuss… I used to secretly wanted it to pass quickly, but I felt I had to offer my bit. My partners were always versatile and it would have been unfair just to make them always do the same role. I strongly believed in fairness so I had to put up with being fucked by the men I loved, I assumed it was part of the deal.
Shags and lovers
Through my mid thirties I finally started to shag around, I thought I was such a late bloomer compared to some of my friends!. I was very grateful though to almost 15 years of mostly monogamy. I think it made me more confident into finding great men. I then shagged around a fair amount, exploring saunas and sex clubs. Exploring anonymous sex and also wonderful connections with regular lovers. In all those, however, I re-connected with my caricature, I was mostly a top, and very rarely I would bottom for somebody.
I got into another long term relationship, this time open from day one. With a partner, again I would give into versatility, but for the rest of the world, yes I was a top.
Secretly, I so hated my ass. So big, so round, so unattractive. I could not believe anybody who thought I had a nice ass, they must have been blind or far too kind.
My first experiences with Tantra, 20 years ago, it was mostly cock based. Tantra pointed towards a new relationship with my sexual being. The orgasms were amazing. However it took a while since I deepened into proper ass play.
It was only about five years ago, in one of the long residential tantric courses that I was doing, in which anal massage was properly introduced to me. I could not understand how much the ass is related to the ability to surrender. Surrendering was not a concept in my dictionary. That was only for cowards. I was a fighter, an alpha male, why on earth I would want to surrender?.
That day something was about to change. That anal massage completely opened up new avenues for me. The following day I was lighter, I felt more whole, something shifted in my personality.
It took me a few days to understand what happenned. In surrendering I found liberation. I found liberation from my script of trying to project a caricature of myself. I found liberation in accepting the full dimension of my pleasure. I found liberation in accepting my ass.
Up the ass
The last five years have been an ongoing journey to fully accept the joys of my ass. I now feel 100% comfortable with dropping the script. I loved being fucked. I love the energy it brings.
One of the practices I often do is using a buttplug. I could have a buttplug on in tantric meditation, or when I am sitting down watching the tele. It is not only pleasurable, but also it gives me instant access to one of the cores of my sexual energy. Being in touch with that energy makes me vibrate. Also self pleasuring my cock with a butt plug on feels really good.
In my tantric work, my objective is to bring more wholeness into a man. The ass is often the key, once we surrender into anal pleasure, a whole new range of possibilities can now happen.
I love my ass and the joy it brings me.