It has been many years for me to be able to say that I love being a bottom. I used to associate being a bottom with pain, fear to dirt, being ‘exposed’, being ‘less’. It felt like the bottom was ‘the loser in sex’.
The top for me held the divine qualities of strength, command, power, direction, energy. In a porn script I always projected my fantasies to be the ‘top’ guy. I admired the ‘uber-masculine’ man who appeared in control. The bottom always was invisible to me.
Growing up a gay man I always felt I was the weakest link. I feared confrontation, I feared somebody hitting me and not having the strength to defend myself. I generally feared my own sex. I loved being with women: the gentleness, I always felt special being with them. I felt I could communicate and engage with them. As a child women made me feel safe.
I was an adult when I fully embraced being a homosexual. I got the first relationship in my early 20s, as soon as we started seeing each other I felt that he have to be ‘the one’. Mum and Dad had been all their life together, same with my siblings and their partners. It was obvious to me that I was destined to be the same. The relationship went on for five years and then there was the break up. Painful.
Up to then, I hardly ever had been with another guy. I had no idea of how sex was away from a ‘monogamous’ relationship. It was an exciting prospect, but I was also super scared.
This is quite a funny story. Shortly after breaking up with my partner I found myself in NYC. I was determined to meet another gay man there. A gay bar was far too intimidating to go to, so I decided to stay in the YMCA -thinking that maybe there would be gay men in there-. I forced myself to go to the steam room at the gym. A man put his hand on my leg. I ran away in total fear not knowing what to do and never went back in.
I few other long term relationships took me into my 30s. In reality I have not had much sex away from relationships until then. I used to feel I was a man of long term partners, however I secretly wanted to be a ‘slut’. Whenever any of my close friends was telling me about a sexual encounter he would have had with a guy, I just felt so envious.
CAN ONE BE A SLUT AND HAVE A PARTNER ALSO?
When I got to my long term partner number 3, I had to have a conversation: ‘I want a relationship with you but I also want to be open to others….’. I said it … and it was cool. I felt I got the best deal ever.
In the relationship I felt happy and ‘safe’ being versatile. Away from the relationship I felt really strongly I wanted to be just a ‘top’. In my fantasy I wanted to be some sort of ‘stallion’. My ass would be out of limits for somebody who was not my partner. In reality being a bottom hurt. The only times I felt really free as a ‘bottom’ was in a sling with my partner. Otherwise I just felt that I had a marital duty to do it, as it was only fair that we both shared ‘the burden’. Being a bottom was not so dissimilar to doing the washing up. Not fun.
‘BEING A TOP BECAME A CARICATURE OF MYSELF’
So in my 30s I managed to become that slut that I wanted to be. After more than ten years of monogamy I started visiting saunas, sex clubs, using apps. I realise that I developed another persona, almost like a projection of who I wanted to be. In sex I would be this ‘total top’. Being a bottom for me was not negotiable on those occassions. I used to take pride in being a very ‘gentle top’ though. The idea of the ‘power top’ never interested me. For me being gentle and a top was the ultimate in masculinity.
AND THEN TANTRA CAME
Diving into tantra a few years ago made me realise of how many hang ups I really had. It is said that tantra is a path towards ‘freedom’. The freedom comes from losing the bits that don’t really need. It is not surprising that those bits are often those ones that you identify yourself with ‘most strongly’. I realised that being a ‘top’ was one of those beliefs. Being a ‘top’ was more than a sexual preference, it secretly had become almost a sign of identity.
I held so many negative beliefs about being a bottom. I realised I was missing so much. Most importantly I connected to the real reason why I was attracted to be a top, and for me it was issues around ‘control’.
In one of my previous post I talked about the idea of surrender. When you start exploring tantra you realise very quickly that control does not serve you. Control is like wearing a straight jacket. Control does not allow you to grow. Control is often an illusion. Often not sustainable. Control often can not make you happy in the long term.
It became obvious that surrender my need to control was the only way forward. It did not feel scary, I think deeply inside I was more than ready. Having supportive partners was pivotal. People I really trust, people who would embrace me for who I am. My ‘total top’ need then started to fade away.
Since then the beautiful lovers that I encounter now have become multi-dimensional. Sex doesn’t come with a script or an expectation. Mind does not rule anymore. The rulers are the heart, the lust and the shared truth that appears in the space jointly created with a lover. There is no agenda anymore, just magic in the making.
SOME FURTHER PRACTICAL THOUGHTS:
Control is an interesting one. In my case it manifested with this need to be top in sex. However I realise that it could have well been the opposite. I have met many people who only ‘bottom’ in sex due to a similar sense of ‘safety’. Obviously whatever one decides to do in sex in completely personal and nobody else’s business, however If you are particularly attached to a ‘script’ in sex maybe explore to change it with a wonderful supportive partner. Trust is basic here. Been with somebody who is really investing in you and that you feel safe with, because often the learn takes some time 😉